Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
