So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
