Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
