He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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