my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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