if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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