No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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