Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
