The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
