She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
