I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
