I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
