so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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