if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
