I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
