I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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