dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
