I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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