Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize