i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Randomize
