she was so not down for the gang bang
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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