we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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