Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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