I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
