Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
