I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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