I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
