I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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