I'm going to jail i love you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
