Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
