there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
