Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
