I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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