I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
