I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize