P.S. I can't hear my feet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
