im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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