My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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