Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
