I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
