I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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