You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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