so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I currently don't understand fingers.
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