I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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