she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it's great music for shaving your balls
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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