ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
