Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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