we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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