does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
