Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
