we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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