dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
