well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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