I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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