if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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