You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
