My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
its not stalking. its research.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
