My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
