Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
