Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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