Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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