I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't put those talents on a resume
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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